It took me a long time to figure out how to start writing about the person I miss the most.
Because the handful of memories that I have of her are slowly weathering away and it is difficult for me to pin point one single soft spring memory that is closest to my heart.
It's been 6 months since we last talked to each other like best friends. The last text messages from her are bitter ones and I wonder why I haven't still deleted them from my phone. Perhaps because on nights when I miss her the most, I read those messages again and try to find out the real reason we drifted apart. At times, I talk about her with my friends. I tell them of a petite, gorgeous woman who could make jaws drop with her fierce little ponytail that used to bob up and down every time she walked. I tell them that she had certain mirth about her - that when she laughed, she laughed without a care. The corners of her lips would crinkle, she'd bend down a little, and laughs like it's her last day.
Some things - like the adventures we'd had, the movie of memories on our hangout and the water park memory , our incessant conversations that came to an end only when our balance in the phone of both would end , the little fights that came to an end with just a sweet WAINE- all those, I keep to myself. Truth to be told, I don't have too many memories with her. The first half of intermediate had been spent to countless rumors and we had both stayed away from each other, only making long chats on phone but never really counting on the prospect of becoming best friends. Only during the last couple of months of senior high, thanks to an accidental friend request in Facebook that developed an infatuation towards me and sought her help, we had molded from classmates to best friends.
It is ironical that exactly a year and some months from that date, one wrong step by me taken at the wrong time served as the chaos in our friendship. I don't remember the details of that day; just that I had been in a fairly great mood and somewhere between telling her to listen to me and tell me what's gone wrong between us. She behaved in a strange way and then I did the mistake that can never be forgiven, twisted her soft little hands and made my princess cry. I apologized then many at times but all in vein, then my phone vibrates twice. I was running to read the newest text message on my phone, I had gotten a message that was the very kryptonite of our friendship. l have a moment of regret every time I read the very message and realize that had I replied to it differently, perhaps, we'd still have been friends. Somehow one thing led to another and before I knew it, she was asking me to never send her a message and I was silently nodding to it.
At times, I ask myself if I should have actually sent her a text and apologized. I did try to contact her later. She lives some half an hour away from my place. I sigh every time I'm reminded that this was what we had once wished for - living in the same city and hanging out and playing basketball every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It was Friday the day before; it was Saturday yesterday; and it is Sunday today and I've all the time in the world, except I spend it staring at my phone screen, my fingers hovering over her contact and having a mental debate whether I should call her or not.
The few times I was brave enough to send her a message, we started with a bland 'hello' and ended some three messages down with a 'I'm busy. I'll text you tomorrow. ' And I used to cry afterwards wondering if she was the very person I used to talk to for hours once upon a time.
I don't blame her solely for our friendship falling apart. Somewhere deep down my heart, I hold a profound amount of regret for having given up too easily. I'm angry because at a time when I should have called her back, cried and begged for her to stay, I was catering to my ego and making things worse. Then, there's a part of me who is angry on her, for believing things I could bet she'd ignore. Now that I think about it, we both gave up on our friendship too easily; that we never fought enough for our friendship. It was surprising how easily something so strong had crumbled. It has been two months since that incident and somehow, I have not managed to figure out a way to miss her any lesser. Every time I see two bubbly, little teenage girls laughing to something, I'm reminded of what we had been once upon a time and of what we could've become. Ice cream tastes bland without her and I'm laughing as I write this. Inside, there is a part of me breaking and crying and wondering if it's the same with her too.
Only a couple of days ago, I had gone back to our school. Nothing really had changed, or that is what I keep telling myself to make it hurt less. Some place down at the far end of the corridor, inside a classroom, memories swirl in a giant mess. Some benches past the first two rows, there's a broken chair, scribbled heavily with red and black makers T and D and it tells a sweet story about two best friends.
Only now, the story is bittersweet...
By Tarun | ETC Student | IIIT Bh.
This post has been contributed by Tarun to EngineersBurger. Give your comments about how you felt after reading the above story.
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